This is a question that I have been getting a lot- and well the truth is I have been dealing with some personal things and just was not quite ready or willing to share them with everyone. I do not normally post about personal stuff since my blog is about couponing, freebies, and saving money– but after the stressful day I have had and many thoughts about writing this post to let everyone know where I have been, I decided it is time.
So here goes nothing.
After almost four years of marriage and lots of marriage counseling I had had the last straw with my husband and made him leave, I am not going through the lovely divorce process at the moment and let’s face it– it is taking it’s toll on me.
Right now I am working two part time jobs, selling 31, and going to school Full Time– oh and don’t forget my little guy– and being a mom 24/7 to Colton. So ya, right now I have a full plate so yes my blog has been put to the side and yes I am coming back. Right now I need to focus on Colton and school though so that is what I am doing. I have been posting here and there, mostly on Facebook- but I do plan to come back full force when I am ready.
I guess I decided to write this post because today was just one of those days that I really just wanted to crawl back in bed and not really deal with everything. But I am a mom so crawling back in bed isn’t an option and staying home from school today would not have been a good idea since than I would get behind in my classes and that would stress me out even more.
I was just sitting in my chair fuming over everything that had happened today- pretty much stressed out and angry to the point that my chest was starting to hurt. It would have been a really good time to hop on an eliptical and just run until I felt better or if weren’t freezing just run until I couldn’t run any more and than walk home- the thought of running to get rid of my fustration is making me feel better. Or maybe crying would help…
So I am sure now you are wondering– what happened today that you are so stressed out? Honestly, normally I just blow things off and don’t let them get to me like this. It wasn’t one specific thing and I think what topped everything off was hitting my elbow on the corner of dresser.
So step by step here is how my day went:
1. Colton woke up at 6 AM when we could have slept until 9 AM today.
2. My house is a mess- this is common theme for my house nowadays, but this adds a significant stress to me when I am not home enough to keep up with things.
3. It’s cold and I do not like walking to class in the cold.
4. I thought my Dr’s appointment was at the office right down the street– nope it was at the office like 25 minutes away.
5. I didn’t get a great report at the appointment.
6. I called the pharmacy, waited on hold for like 10 minutes and they said they didn’t get my perscription yet.
7. I waited an hour and called back and they said they STILL did not receive the perscription so now it is after business hours and I have to wait until tomorrow to get the meds.
8. Oh and THAN I hit my elbow on the dresser- at which point I completely break down into tears. Not because my elbow hurt, but because I was so stressed out and that just put the icing on the cake. Colton comes in and starts jumping on me because he doesn’t realize that mommy just needs to be alone for a minute.
9. And than there is the stress of trying to find and internship and preparing my cover letter and resume. Since I kind of had a few free minutes after Colton went to bed I decided to try to work on it a little more. Well after seeing someone’s real cover I decided the cover letter I spent three hours on sucked — but again I just couldn’t even come up with something to write.
10. Oh and as I was getting ready to go to bed Colton peed through his diaper and needed changed and the sheets changed.
11. But I think what REALLY started everything off on the wrong foot was my EX saying he wouldn’t switch weekends with me.
So lets vent that one a little- He pretty much sucks. Like really if I need anything it seems like he does not want to help or does everything he can to make me miserable. I got a little job helping out at Track meets at the college I go to. I won’t make a lot of money so it really isn’t worth it for me to pay a babysitter since I’ll end up paying out more in babysitting than I will make. And than there is the whole thing where I won’t see Colton the whole weekend for 3 weeks in a row because this weekend Adam has him for visitation, the next weekend is a 3 day track meet, and than the following weekend he has him again. If he would just switch me than #1 I won’t have to pay a babysitter and #2 I will get to spend at least one of these weekends with Colton. But fighting with him is the worst– and to be honest I know he does it on purpose because he knows it will upset me. He can pretty much do whatever he wants– why can’t he just for once do something for ME and willingly switch weekends with me.
OH WAIT- and now it is coming to me. He did this same thing the entire time we were married. Why would I expect any different of him now. If I wanted him to do ANYTHING- even something as simple as going to my grandparents for dinner- he would fight with me and fight with me until one of two things happened he just really didn’t do it or he would give in and go. And by that point I had already been so upset about him not going and the fight I had to have with him that it really wasn’t :nice: of him to even go. It wasn’t doing me a favor at the point because I was already over the fact that he was a douche.
And here it is…
The day I finally mustered up the courage to just end things- and really end them- I was not sad, I was not mad, and I was not upset. I was relieved. I felt relieved to NOT have to deal with him and his problems on a daily basis and I felt relieved that I didn’t have someone constantly putting me down and making me feel bad.
Divorce sucks, but living in a loveless, unhappy marriage sucks more. Even as stressful as today was, I am glad I made the decision to end things when I did. The marriage had been over for so long it was really just crazy to continue on and be unhappy. Plus he was being mean to me in front of Colton, and that just isn’t something I want my son to see or think is alright.
I apologize if this isn’t written the best and is really like all over the place- I just needed to get everything out and this is how it came.
Unedited by Jessica
